The Expendables
I first wanted to see The Expendables with my dad, thinking - what better way to celebrate life than watching Sly Stallone and a rag-tag crew battle bad guys in a third world country (because those sets are cheaper to build and probably easier to light ablaze). Also, I may or may not have a weird fascination with Jason Statham - why else would I have watched Crank 2: High Voltage?
The plot of The Expendables isn't hard to follow, unless you're listening to it out of Sly Stallone's mouth. Stuck in a weird permanent sneer, surrounded by slack skin only emphasized by overly waxed brows, I caught maybe every third word that came out of his mouth. But the dialogue was so predictable I didn't really need to hear it. Time has not been kind to Sly. His arms look like Madonna's (muscular), but watching him run down a dock to catch a plane (not a spoiler) looked like an awkward lope. Rambo he is not. Back to the plot: Sly's team gets hired by a "Mr. Church" (freaking Bruce Willis!!!!) to take out the ruler of a small island, Vilena. The General (played by Angel Batista from Dexter) was actually installed by the CIA, I think - again, from Sly's mouth - and is now stuck with an ex-CIA agent American douchebag who wants to sell cocaine. Surprise! But the real surprise is that this group of guys figured that out. Honestly, I almost fell out of my seat when I saw that they used a computer.
The characters are so simple it's ridiculous: no back story, no motivation. The only person whose soul we see is Mickey Rourke, as an ex-team member/incredifast tattoo artist/guitar hand-painter recounting why he got out of the game. He cries, and the drool on his lips as they awkwardly quiver around his words. Jet Li, an ultimate fighter and some other guys round out the crew, who all apparently majored in ammo and knives in a community college of death.
As far as the women go: there were two, and they both had names. Other than that, no dice. Instead they were the topic of awkward conversations about "love" or "feelings" - not that you could believe any of these men is keeping a woman. Did I mention Charisma Carpenter (Buffy! Angel! That ABC Family movie See Jane Date!) is Statham's ex-girlfriend? He comes home, finds her with another guy, sees her later with a bruise on her face and proceeds to kick the new guy's (and his entire pick-up basketball crew's) ass(es) ending with a great line, as he knifes the basketball: "Next time I'll deflate all of your balls."
For all the mocking, I loved The Expendables for making me laugh. It's probably way funnier than Going the Distance, which I almost went to instead. It was awesomely bad in the vein of Starship Troopers and SyFy movies. If only there had been a dragon kingpin...
9.07.2010
9.05.2010
Sunday, September 5
Pillars of the Earth
Bleak House
I have been heavily involved in these miniseries over the past two weeks. Sometimes it's good to get into something that is bigger than a movie but also has a stopping point. So when I heard about Pillars of the Earth, and that it was from Starz, I instantly checked Netflix to see if it was available to stream. I love the deal between Netflix and Starz that resulted in Starz Play, which allows users to stream not only movies that air on Starz, but also some Starz original programming, often on the same day it airs (like Spartacus: Blood and Sand). By the time I made it to Pillars of the Earth, based on the novel by Ken Follett (which I have not read), the miniseries follows multiple entangling storylines all relating back to the building of a cathedral in Kingsbridge. The series had some strong performances by the (in my opinion) typically imposing Ian McShane (as a corrupt church official with a penchant for self-abuse), old favorite Rufus Sewell (as an ambitious builder) and Sarah Parish, who I thought was wonderfully wicked as the deceitful Lady Hamleigh, ambitious and creepily involved with her son to boot. Personally I found it fun to see Matthew MacFadyen as the pious Prior Philip. A number of other relatively unknowns rounded out the cast. For an eight-part miniseries, Pillars of the Earth was enjoyable, full of political intrigue, secrets, romance of course, and plenty of fighting. I understand there are many differences from the book with the miniseries probably retaining a significantly shorter timelime to simplify the need to further artificially age actors, but not having read the book, I had only a wikipedia article to go off of.
Speaking of things I haven't read the source material for, I got suckered into Bleak House after Netflix pissed me off by having incorrectly labeled an episode of an entirely different miniseries (a problem they still haven't fixed! Bad Netflix), but the web page led me to Bleak House. I will admit, the idea of a saga with its center at an ongoing lawsuit didn't at first have me sold, but the glowing reviews made me feel like I had to give it a chance. And in the first few minutes when I saw Owen from Torchwood, aka Burn Gorman, I was in for the duration. A few of other well-known actors, such as Gillian Anderson and Carey Mulligan, were also in the large cast. The story contains all the hallmarks of a compelling miniseries - dubious parentage, debt, crooked lawyers, a lady with a secret, a good, pious young woman and a wealthy benefactor, along with a drizzling of would-be suitors, a nutty bird lady and a seedy landlord. Secrets, secret letters, secret affairs - it's all here in Bleak House, which is surprisingly not bleak as not even Dickens could manage a truly sad ending. Definitely worth the eight hours, despite a few annoying characters.
Bleak House
I have been heavily involved in these miniseries over the past two weeks. Sometimes it's good to get into something that is bigger than a movie but also has a stopping point. So when I heard about Pillars of the Earth, and that it was from Starz, I instantly checked Netflix to see if it was available to stream. I love the deal between Netflix and Starz that resulted in Starz Play, which allows users to stream not only movies that air on Starz, but also some Starz original programming, often on the same day it airs (like Spartacus: Blood and Sand). By the time I made it to Pillars of the Earth, based on the novel by Ken Follett (which I have not read), the miniseries follows multiple entangling storylines all relating back to the building of a cathedral in Kingsbridge. The series had some strong performances by the (in my opinion) typically imposing Ian McShane (as a corrupt church official with a penchant for self-abuse), old favorite Rufus Sewell (as an ambitious builder) and Sarah Parish, who I thought was wonderfully wicked as the deceitful Lady Hamleigh, ambitious and creepily involved with her son to boot. Personally I found it fun to see Matthew MacFadyen as the pious Prior Philip. A number of other relatively unknowns rounded out the cast. For an eight-part miniseries, Pillars of the Earth was enjoyable, full of political intrigue, secrets, romance of course, and plenty of fighting. I understand there are many differences from the book with the miniseries probably retaining a significantly shorter timelime to simplify the need to further artificially age actors, but not having read the book, I had only a wikipedia article to go off of.
Speaking of things I haven't read the source material for, I got suckered into Bleak House after Netflix pissed me off by having incorrectly labeled an episode of an entirely different miniseries (a problem they still haven't fixed! Bad Netflix), but the web page led me to Bleak House. I will admit, the idea of a saga with its center at an ongoing lawsuit didn't at first have me sold, but the glowing reviews made me feel like I had to give it a chance. And in the first few minutes when I saw Owen from Torchwood, aka Burn Gorman, I was in for the duration. A few of other well-known actors, such as Gillian Anderson and Carey Mulligan, were also in the large cast. The story contains all the hallmarks of a compelling miniseries - dubious parentage, debt, crooked lawyers, a lady with a secret, a good, pious young woman and a wealthy benefactor, along with a drizzling of would-be suitors, a nutty bird lady and a seedy landlord. Secrets, secret letters, secret affairs - it's all here in Bleak House, which is surprisingly not bleak as not even Dickens could manage a truly sad ending. Definitely worth the eight hours, despite a few annoying characters.
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